Love, Commitment and Sex
Last night my dear friend, Desiree’, was helping me move from my studio to another residence. I am moving about one mile from where I currently live because I mistakenly rented from a mentally ill woman and it has been quite a bizarre experience to put it mildly. I will ultimately move again in less than 3 months but wanted to live in this immediate area for the time being really because I am in love.
Desiree’ teaches Honors English at the High School and we have been close lifelong friends. She is a very educated woman and is an excellent teacher and lives her job 24/7. Her students are lucky to have this very tough but caring expert. I remember when we were kids, Desiree’, who has always been taller and bigger than most everyone especially during the years girls grow faster than boys, road over to my house on a 10 Speed, hopped off while it was still moving. The bike continued to roll and crashed many yards away. She’s going straight for me on foot at the same speed she was riding until her whole body weight smashed dead into mine like a missile hitting a target. Bamm! She started beating me to a pulp for beating up her brother! I’ve been brainwashed from infancy you don’t hit girls! All I could do is try to deflect as many of the blows as possible from this brutal senseless attack! My mother finally came outside to my rescue and grabbed her! In a very authoritative voice from her small stature forcefully said, “Desiree’, young ladies don’t fight!”, my Mother was a proper Southern Lady. Desiree’ would not be detoured. She loves to tell this story to anyone and everyone who hasn’t heard it. She always says, I was the bully of the neighborhood and she had had enough! I have no comment!
I asked Desiree’ to read my blog, “Love Of My Life…Now And Forever”, while doing a load of laundry at her house because I knew I would get her honest opinion. I am standing on her porch and I can see her at her computer in the living room reading the blog. I see her rolling her eyes and shaking her head “no” until I knew she had finished. I went back into the house and asked, “What do you think?
I can see that familiar look when she is protecting me. She bluntly asks, “Have you had sex with Jay?” I answered, “No!” She said, “How could you ever declare that much love for a man you have not had sex with? I looked at her surprised! I know truth is always simple like in science and philosophy so I answer with simple truth, “Because I do…….That Much!”
Desiree’ said, “It sounds like you all have been sleeping together for a while and now you are declaring your love for him. You have not been sleeping with him! He is going to think you are crazy! Saying how much you love him and you have never had sex!” I asked, “But what if he might love me already?” She answered, “Then it will be good but how can you take that chance?” I explained, “Just a chance at his love is good enough reason for me. If everyone thinks I am crazy, then so be it”.
I am not ashamed I love Jay! I might remind you, it was not so long ago when people met, then declared their love, then swore to God to honor a commitment for life, in front of everyone they knew! Then they would have sex! You know, back when the overwhelming majority of relationships lasted a complete lifetime. Like my parents relationship, like all my brothers’ relationships, like both my sisters’ relationships! In fact, it is foreign to my upbringing and my experience of modeling of relationships not to declare my love and commitment before sex! That is what I am accustom”.
I said that because she was raised by a single mother. Surrounded by all kinds of odd arrangements and I know that it has impacted her adult ideas and concepts of how to love. I threw her off balance! I then pose a hypothetical question and scenario to make my point.
“What if Jay, because of some freak accident or birth defect, is unable to have normal sex, whatever normal is? Do you think I could just erase my feelings and go on? Of course not! I would hold him in my arms as close as I could. I would stroke his hair and tell him how holding him was the most beautiful and satisfying experience of my life and I would mean it too! I would massage him and read him poetry and love him even more. I can always masturbate. In fact, I got masturbation down to a science!
Is that really something hard for you to understand? Sorry, but my love is much deeper than any sex act. Don’t misunderstand me to mean I don’t love sex because I do! It just is not the basis of my love for Jay! It really is not”.
I went on to educate my friend, “Desiree’ are you expecting me to believe if a doctor told you, Robert ( her husband) had cancer of the penis and needed his genitals removed, you would go home and start packing his clothes into suitcases and set them next to the front door?” Poor Robert! He’s out of there! He can’t perform for you any more. Guess you would put a classified ad in the singles section of the newspaper. Look for a real man! A man that can perform sex?” Right? Is sex really important?” I don’t think so.”
“Divorced environments can take a toll on some people’s concept of a healthy relationship. Desiree’, I said, I love him for better or for worse. I have a very creative and artistic mind and there will be no situation Jay could ever toss me that I couldn’t make the best of! I do love him in that way! I can honestly say, before him and the world, I can commit myself for life to him and mean it before ever touching his nude body. If that is something you do not get, well, then you will never get it! Actually, that is the way it is”.
Is that what they have you thinking on campus these days? You can not fall in love without having sex first? That is outrageous and absolutely not true! Sex is available at any time on any day just as casual and anonymous as you want it! Especially if you are Gay. So please, forgive me, for I must be crazy because I want love and anything less will be inadequate. Without love I will prefer no sex at all.
Desiree”, think about it! The worse thing that can happen is Jay knows someone loves him.” I am a big boy and can take the rejection if it comes! So what! I’ll be over him in a few decades…no problem! Jay is a very kind man! He is not going to beat me up like you did!” We both laugh and I appreciate her concern for me. Guess that is why we have been friends for almost our entire lives…..