“Know Me” claudy

Image

“Know Me”

When you fear tomorrow is awesome and much to heavy to carry……..Know My Shoulders!

When you hurt today from history’s taunt and ridicule……..Know My Arms!

When you fall down and believe there’s no way up……..Know My Hands!

When you cry and think no one cares……..Know My Chest!

When you hide and can’t be found……..Know My Voice!

When you love truly like never before……..Know My Lips!

When you feel passion surrendered before you……..Know My Eyes!

When you wonder, why does he love me?……..Know My Heart!

When you know all of these you……..Know Me!

claudy   JAN2014

Advertisements

“Healing Jay To Love”

Image

“Healing Jay To Love”

Jay is the most beautiful man alive as far as I am concerned.  In past blogs I have spoken about my pursuit of the love of my life and the saga continues.  Two Saturdays ago I visited my local grocery as I have for about three and a half months and see Jay who is now a confident and very attractive man and no longer a scared of love casualty.

What a different man he had become in almost an instant.  I attribute the change in him to my blog, “Love Of My Life….Now And Forever”.  I ask him to read the blog and there is no way of absolutely knowing if he had read it or not but the change in him was drastic.  Jay looked deep into my eyes and I knew,  he loves me.

Finally completely moved, I am able to have him over at anytime without worry of harm from a mentally ill landlord.  That sounds odd but true.  My landlord was so mentally ill I could not ensure anyone’s safety coming over without fearing harm from her.  She was to unpredictable and I could not take the chance.  Now moved, it is not a problem.

At the time I was moving, it was unusually cold and rainy here in Tampa, Florida USA.  Of course I got very sick and saw Jay on that Saturday but ended up in the hospital on the following Monday and Tuesday.  If you were to read my medical chart, I am sure you would not believe it was mine!

Okay back to my story.  I saw Jay confident on Saturday and was sick Monday and Tuesday.  I went by the grocery on Wednesday and Thursday.  Jay was off, I guess, because I did not see him.  Finally, on Friday, I see him again.  That was six days since I had seen him last. That is probably a new record for us being the longest break before contact.

I walk in the grocery look over and Jay is across from me about 50ft..  We make eye contact and he quickly looks down and I can physically see him fill with anxiety.  For whatever reason in my mind I thought he needs me.  I see him walk over to a door and I follow him and look to see if there are any people around then say, “Jay, I am moved now and you can come over and see my art and paintings”.  I am attempting to move our meetings to my home.   He responds, “I am busy now and I have five things to do!”  He walks a few feet away from me.  I said, “Jay, not now but sometime”. I am thinking that I have not seen him in 6 days and he is to busy?

This is not the confident man I saw last Saturday.  He is completely different.  He walks right by me and says nothing.  I do know he is working and has many responsibilities for a lot of employees. Nonetheless, I am dumb founded.

I walk deeper into the large grocery store and try to think of something to buy and my neighbor is shopping and I am going to ride home with him. I pick out a few items and put them in my neighbor’s basket and go to the front where Jay is working to wait.  I would do that normally even if Jay wasn’t working…maybe!

I see Jay and he looks at me.  Oh my God, he looks just like Brent!  Brent is my ex.  We were together 25 years ago for almost 15 years depending how you count.  I know that look!   That is how Brent looked at me when he cheated on me.  It is a nervous look.  He is scared and wonders if I am going to figure out what he has done.  What is strange is he doesn’t want to loose me!  Any act against your heart, which is hard to do, will punish you and your feelings will intensify.   Now he needs me more than ever and fears he has ruined everything if realized.  There is a strong guilt and shame underlying the fear of loss!  Now everything makes sense.  I get it!  I always do!

Actually, me and Jay are not committed lovers!  In fact, even Cosmopolitan Magazine tells its readers to date other men if you want the one you desire to commit!  I am not sure if that means to have sex with multiple partners or not but sex in 2014 can be dangerous and deadly.  You can bet I know that for a fact because of the number of my friends that have died.  It is a horror story!  They always regret their behavior and always want to live.  Except in the early days when we did not know why everyone was dying.  You hear that word?  Everyone!  And that is exactly how it feels.  When the doctor comes in and gives you the nightmare news, that is the first real sense of reality for so many.  I have been there when friends were told they would be dying and still I have no words that could adequately express that experience.

Back to Jay.  He did not cheat on me first of all but feels like he did!  Of course my feelings are hurt but he has every right to do whatever he does!  Just like I have the right to choose who I pursue.

But in all this I have learned through the years there is a psychological explanation for the behavior and an easy fix.  A simple remedy to make many of Jay’s problems disappear and magically have the ability for long term relationships.  I am sure he would never draw the association for the behavior and its root.   I think I know the problem and how to resolve it.  I am blogging this because I know many have this same issue and hope to provoke consideration.

Any gay person who has not formerly told their parents, “I Am Gay”, will never have the ability for long term relationships.  They will go from person to person to person for their entire life.  They will never really have a long term mentally healthy connection.  Period!  They will have all kinds of reasons and issues never really understanding that the inability to connect with the one they love is rooted in the coming out to their parents.

If you want to effect your behavior and have many of your problems just evaporate and mysteriously all of sudden have the ability to be loved, tell your parents you are gay.  I know I have seen the sad stories of gay people who have come out to their parents on television with horrible parental response.  However, it has been my experience and that of many friends and others, it is never as bad as anticipated.

The fact is most gay persons coming out to their parents are adults and no longer need parents to love them!  I know that sounds callous and uncaring but it is true!  It is not worth maintaining a falsehood or some grand illusion at the expense of your life long ability to be loved long term. It is more important for your mental health and ability to be loved to come out to your parents even if you loose them.  Come on, you are telling them who you actually are.  It is so important for your entire life.  You just have to do it.  Really there is nothing more important for mental health.

Jay, I will tell you how I told my parents and family, “I Am Gay”.  I had just turned 18 years old and I am from a very large family.  It was before I knew any of the psychology behind the importance of telling all my family I was gay.  I knew that it was only time before they heard of sightings and rumors and there was just no way I was going to play the hide and lie game!  Before I had sex with anyone I told my family, “I Am Gay”.  I told them all separately.  This is how I told my Mother.

“Mom, I have something very important to tell you.  If I could choose, I would be straight. However, I can not choose.  I Am Gay.  I can not help it and did not want to be Gay but I am.  So I have accepted the fact and will not feel guilty for something I can not help.  I am sorry.”  My Mother began to cry and said, “I refuse to accept that you are Gay and this is only a phase you are going through!”  I said, “No Mom this is not a phase, I Am Gay and I wish it was not so offensive to you because I can not help it and I refuse to feel guilty for something I can not help.  I am sorry you feel that way”.

It wasn’t long before I was in a committed long term relationship and my Mother loved my lover and they were very close.  There is life after coming out to your parents.  It was hard for me to accept and sometimes it is hard for others to accept.  But telling your parents is vital.

Jay, I just know in my heart this is the problem and the fix.  You can go to a therapist and spend a lot of money and time but you will get the same bottom line.  This is how to resolve many problems by their ROOT.  Please listen to me Jay and do what is necessary for your mental health.

If you are abandoned by your parents, then so be it.  You will never face this world alone because I love you and want more than anything to spend the rest of my life loving and caring for you.  Please Jay, I know how to make a relationship work but you will have to trust me.  I am worthy of your trust.  It will make me the happiest man alive to know you have told your parents because then I will know you will be able to be loved.  Please Jay….