Love Of My Life…For Now And Forever

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Love is never a choice.  We never get to choose who we love because it is nature or instinct or some have even called it magic or the chemical change!  Actually, the only choice we have is if we act on the feelings of love or not. So powerful these feelings we call love.  The longing, the dreaming and the thinking of the one we love is so intense, at least it is for me.  The best action is to just surrender to your heart and hope for that special day when you can finally take a deep breath and know your heart has led you wisely to the one and the only.

In my younger years, I thought love was just around the corner and could be found in the clubs.  I would get all dressed up and wait for love to walk up to me.  I thought I would see love and could approach it and we would live happily ever after.   Simple as that!  Or if I didn’t really feel love for the person my mind had chosen then my heart would eventually follow and produce the feeling, the nature, the instinct of love.  Boy, did I have a lot to learn.  My heart has a mind of it’s own and will do as it feels no matter who I want.

Wouldn’t the world be so much better if we could choose who we loved?  Pair off at 3 or 4 years of age and mate for life like the Black Birds or Sand Hill Cranes.  Shoot, there would be no break ups or orphans or any conflicts because surely everyone would choose love.  I know I would.

After 15 years alone and not even a single date or any physical interaction with anyone, and really more than 25 years since having an emotional connection,  my heart finally found love.  I was so shocked because I had long given up on love.  I had to be sure the most beautiful man in the world working at the local grocery was love and not just a mere attraction.  Absolutely,  my heart knows and tells me this is the one you were looking for!  This is the one you were waiting for!  That is him right before you this is the love of your life.  I am sure and my heart won’t let me have even a moment without reminding me this is the one.  The only one for me.  My true love for life…for now and forever!

Now here lies the problem, I love him but will he love me?  I carefully make contact not to make any wrong moves and want to say all the right things and do all the right things because after all, this is the love of my life my heart has chosen.  So of course I screw up everything!   I often make a fool of myself but Jay, which is only his first initial to protect the innocent, Jay seems to forgive me and look past my idiosyncrasies and still, so far, maintains a dialogue with me.  I think all is going well and spoke in earlier blog of the piece of  my art I presented to him for Holiday cheer.

Yesterday, I saw Jay and it felt so good seeing him and it seems we are on a steady course.  It feels so right!  Jay really is the most beautiful man I have ever seen in my entire life. Gorgeous is his blonde hair and perfect features and he is just the perfect size for me.  I don’t want to sound shallow only mentioning his physical beauty and not forget to acknowledge he is dedicated to work and a natural with the public.  I am in love with him.  I accept him as he is and the perfect part is just a coincidence as far as I am concerned.

This morning I woke and like every morning I think of Jay and how much and how profoundly deep my heart feelings are for him and was trying to think of another avenue to express myself to him. I have a great idea that will gift him and will gift me.  I decide to ask him to email a photo of himself for me to virtually paint and process into a beautiful publicity poster.  I’ll get one and he will get one.  Lately I have done a lot of publicity photos for a few famous people and their bands.  Yet,  I have not one image of my most favorite person in the entire world.  So to the grocery store I go to see my true love and find him in the back of an aisle working.  I approach him and realize he is concentrating on something but he said for me to go ahead and speak.  I ask for him to email me a photo for his birthday and he agreed.  So that is pending.  I am very excited and will do my very best to impress.

I return home and see an email from ReverbNation.  I was congratulated and selected one of the Top 40 Artists of 2013.  I am always excited and surprised with such news and of course the very first person I want to tell is Jay the love of my life.  The one person I love more than anything or anyone.   No one else matters to me.  So I do.  It takes about 8 minutes to walk back to the grocery store and there he is in the front of the store running the operation like the professional he is.  I told him the news and he asked me was it my paintings selected?  I told him no it was my music.  I am a composer and it was my songs.

He smiled and turned to walk a way and for only an instant I could see deep into his very soul.  He was saddened and his feelings were hurt!  I know exactly what that means!  He believes I will become successful and will find out one day he is not worth loving.  I know those feelings.  I get them myself!   In fact, I will even say it is part of being gay.  Deep down we think we are not worth loving.  I was horrified when I saw into his soul.  I wanted to holler, “You are worth loving!  You are wrong if you ever think I won’t love you!”  “That is now and that means forever”.

Oh my God, what am I going to do?  I have to reach him and tell him not loving him will never happen.  That will never ever ever happen!  I will always love him.  In fact, the more success, the more I will feel worthy of his love. This is a very scary hurdle we will have to clear because if someone thinks they are not worthy of being loved they will remove themselves from the possibility of the love they so desperately need.  The reasons why is another blog and somewhat complicated but for now I am facing possible doom before ever getting off the ground.

So here I am at my computer hoping I see, Jay, the love of my life tomorrow.  I am going to tell him I have been blogging about him and how to reach my writings of him from my Website.  Of course, I hope he is reading this right now!

Please Jay, believe me when I tell you and I am begging you to please, give me just the chance to prove to you my love is real.  I will never stop.  I can’t stop.  It is like magic!  I am positive love is forever.  Never stopping, never ending, never leaving you because you are the only one for me!   The true love of my life.  Yes it is you.  I am not mistaken!  I am not fooled believing you are more than you really are.

You mean everything to me exactly as the person you are and not one bit different.  I have fallen in love with you and I do love you as you are!  For my entire life I have waited for you!  That is the truth!  The perfect person of my heart’s desire.  The perfect person is you.  Forever!  Just like in the words of the great Composer Handel…Forever and ever and ever and ever.  Forever…Amen!

Please my love, let me prove to you my heart is true and will never hurt you!  You are all that matters to me and are the most important person in my life before all others and all things!  You really are!  I love you for the person you are!  Jay, I promise I will never abandon you because you mean everything to me. I have been wondering why a man as beautiful as you would ever be with me?  Now I know it is because my love for you is never ending.  Always there for you.  I will show you how true love will never leave you or hurt you and that means for better or for worse!  You will always be loved by me….always!   You are the perfect man for me..My Man…My Love.

PS…. Email me that picture….

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First Time Feelings Come Lately

2012-11-14 04_12_18

 

I noticed the date I had just painted in white acrylic on the back of a guitar I had found in the dumpster.  It really stood out for me seeing, 12/23/2013, for a whole host of reasons.  But mainly because for the very first time, I am signing and dating my most favorite piece of art, to give to my dream of a chance at the love of my life.  I really like the guitar because I removed the broken strings and nailed down the broken face to the body and painted a very modern abstraction in beautiful bright colors all over including the neck.  Everyone that sees the guitar wants it!  It really is quite beautiful and I think the perfect first gift for my first real chance at love.

I have been thinking how days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months and months turn into years and just how long I have been hoping I would find someone for me.  You know the old saying, “There’s someone for everyone”, and I even tell my younger family members who are alone on prom night or sitting and watching TV during homecoming, “There’s someone out there for you”.  They never figured out I am alone, grey and most likely past the years in which you can hope for that special “Someone”.  It saddens me to think most all the people my age or any age that would have us, notice I said would have “us”, are married or like the late Richard Pryor said, “She was gorgeous and sexy and she liked me.  I knew if she liked me something had to be wrong with her!”.

I attribute the bare shelves to loosing more than 100 friends to AIDS.  I know people may think I am exaggerating but I am not.  I lost over 100 friends to the horrible illness.  My best friend included.  I remember how happy I was the day Steve finally died.  People look at me weird when I say, “happy”, but they do not understand the terror of someone suffering years till death.  I will never get over it!  I walk at night and I think a lot about how different my life would have been if it were not for AIDS.  I am certain I would have more friends and who knows maybe I would have had someone who is no longer.  I have also thought about how careful I was not to contract or be infected by the disease only to have an older age alone. When I start thinking like that I try to do something productive.  Now back to the real change of events in my life and why this is a special Holiday Season.

After more than 25 years of looking and waiting and then giving up and just accepting a life alone, I walked into my local grocery store and there he was!  “Oh my God”, I think to myself that’s him.  I know that is him.  There is the most beautiful blonde in the entire world and I know he is watching me but not looking at me.  I realize I am in his field of vision and he is looking beside me but I sense he is watching my every move.  Could this be possible?  I pinch myself to be sure I’m not dreaming.  I decide not to get excited and over react.  I have heard of people seeing someone for the very first time and saying, “I am going to marry that person” and then do.  To be honest,  I am going to marry that person and I know this is my “someone”.   Well, marry in 15 states!

Now it has been 3 months and many trips to the grocery.  I took him my most favorite art piece I ever created.  I had gone ahead of time and asked him to come outside exactly at 3PM on the dot.  Of course, I accidentally pulled the little arm on my watch out and it stopped but did indeed get there after all and gave the guitar.  I wrote in white acrylic on the back, “To thine own self be true”,  signed and dated it and to the side put the initials FF… friends forever.  I feel just giddy these days.  I could not feel better about the future.  Best of all, for those family members I’ve told, “There is someone for you”,  I am now proof never give up!  It’s never over till it’s over! Great beginnings can come late and even a man like me can live happily every after… Keep your fingers crossed!

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Looks Like I Made It!

manly boy “Manly Boy” claudy (acrylics 35X54inches)

 

Hello Blog World!

Looks Like I Made It! I have always wanted an outlet to let it out and run free and I have heard of WordPress and now I am here and you are there and we are together! I love to paint and write and laugh and play and to love the world….mostly! I love the idea of a place where I can write my daily in more than the Twitter few and less than TV Guide’s Novel size 100’s and this will be perfection in my words. I love to paint and do most everyday except lately but hope to be back in the saddle again…soon!

I love the language and wished I had more control over its punctual reality but please forgive my mistakes and look past my “less than” traits and try to imagine I am trying to go through this thing we call life in the best way I can. I want to be a good person and do the right thing and seem to pull for the underdog more often than not.

I hope to post a lot of my artwork and appreciate any thoughts you may have or anything you may want to say and always find comments as someone who has taken the time to express themselves and I like that! Well I am not quite sure how all of this works but am a quick learner and will be happy when I have a better idea of the workings of WordPress. Thank you for taking a look here and I will be back soon with Claudy The Artist…